One year ago today...

My water broke. At 32 weeks. It's strange that those 2 weeks leading up to Amber's birth was so long ago and yet it still feels like yesterday. The feelings are still pretty close to the surface, the memories very vivid. I'd never gone into labor on my own with the other kids, never had my water break so it was a little nerve racking and scary. Not only were we having to figure out how to best help Amber once she was born, but we also now had to consider measures to take for her prematurity. It was overwhelming and unexpected.

Once it was decided that we would try to get me to 34 weeks, even one more day was beneficial to Amber (generally women go into labor within 2 days of their water breaking), I felt a bit more calm but still very anxious. The next 2 weeks in the hospital were worrisome, to say the least. Not knowing is my new definition of Hell, well, that combined with having no control over anything. Wondering if i'd  make it one more day without going into labor, wondering and worrying about what could be done for Amber to best help her, worrying about Ethan and Abby and how they would do, worrying about Alex but mostly wondering and worrying about Amber. It was hard, certainly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And it wasn't going how I'd hoped.

While all those feelings and memories are still pretty fresh, I now have the benefit of time, hindsight and perspective to look back at this experience. I KNOW that Heavenly Father knew what was best for me, Amber, Alex, Ethan and Abby. And while it may not have seemed like it at the time, I see it now. He knows me and my limits and I feel like I was pushed right to the edge of those limits, but I wasn't ever alone and was never pushed over the edge.

2 weeks is a long time to sit in a hospital room, I had a lot of time to think, which was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I was able to have time to myself to really think through everything and  search out my feelings. A curse because I tried to come up with every possible scenario and every possible problem that could happen when Amber was born and then I'd try to come up with a solution. I came to realize I couldn't control it, I just had to go with the flow and accept the reality of what it was. I couldn't solve all the potential problems. Each day that passed and I hadn't gone into labor, I thought OK we made through one day we can do one more. Never having experienced anything remotely close to what we were about to experience I wasn't sure I could handle it, and if I could I was certain I probably wouldn't handle it very well. But that's what I mean about being pushed to the edge, sometimes we don't know what we're capable of until we're stretched and pushed and pulled and....humbled. I don't know that I handled any of it particularly well, but I have a firm testimony that God does not leave us alone when we're on the very edge. He's absolutely there for us and aware of us and helps us. Sometimes it's not how we want or what we think it should be, sometimes understanding comes later. But His love is always there.

I've been thinking a lot about Amber, although she's never really far from my thoughts. This day one year ago started the journey to getting Amber here giving her a chance at life. Giving her a chance to show us her sweet and perfect spirit and the light and love and pureness and perfection that was Amber.  Hard to believe it's been one year since that journey started...I am grateful for the experience for ALL of it. And wouldn't trade those 9 hours with Amber for all the world.